11/12/2021 12:56 AM: A place to put the bad thoughts I guess. Just for venting while I sort myself out. I've been struggling a lot with feeling like I'm worthwhile. It feels like everybody around me is unapologetically themselves without any effort. I want to love myself, I really do. I want to be one of those people that lives for themselves and no one else. But I'm so wrapped up in needing other people to see me and appreciate me. I need to feel loved. I want to create something with as much compassion and skill, like [REDACTED], that other people will be inspired. I want to be inspiring. I want to be moving. I want to mean something. These days it feels like there's just something fundamentally wrong with me. Whatever these people have, I don't have it, and I never will, and I just have to learn to accept mediocrity and depression. I don't think I'll ever be enough for me and that sucks.
11/12/2021 1:01 PM: Feels dumb to be this depressed about not being anybody's sub right now. I want to submit to something, someone. I guess what I want most is for someone to accept that submission. Boils down to that "needing to feel loved" bullshit again. It's been so long since I've been in subspace. Let me worship you.
11/14/2021 6:51 PM: [REDACTED] messaged me about why I'm not interested in getting tattoos of any kind, and it's because everything that I choose to express myself with is bad. Nothing that I do is right and everything that I do is cringe and terrible and not worth perceiving. Self expression is impossible because having to witness me hurts those that I care about. At least these are the things I believe deep down, when I stop trying to filter everything through therapy-speak. People must hate me. It doesn't make sense for them not to, and it's all that I can believe. I know they literally tell me all the time that they love and care about me but I just. Can't internalize it. There's something here in my brain that won't let it in. Some vicious cycle of "well if they really loved me I wouldn't feel this way" and the underlying mental illness that is causing that self destructive thinking in the first place. I don't need to be somebody's every waking thought to be loved. I know that's the only example I feel like I have. [REDACTED] was the first person that made me feel like I wasn't completely abhorrent, even if it was codependence in disguise. And I obviously went and ruined that. For the better, I suppose, but now I'm back where I was in high school, before all of this. I've warped all of this into loving me == must be something wrong. Terrible. Maybe one day I won't be such a fucking idiot, jesus christ.
11/14/2021 7:43 PM: God, there's no point to any of this. There's always going to be something. I don't even know who I'm writing this for. It sure as hell isn't myself. Maybe a future version of me, an idealistic version of me that is thriving and knows that there is some point after all. That's always how it works. Gotta pick up the pieces for future!Alex so he can relax and live his life. I don't think I'm capable of being healthy. Every person that I interact with will have to deal with all of this baggage that I carry everywhere. Someday soon they'll start to realize that, too, and they'll get just as tired as I am. Ugh. In one of those lonely, attention-seeky moods where I want desperately to ask for more, to ask for some kind of reassurance. It sucks for [REDACTED] because he's the one that has to deal with me in those moods because I want his attention in particular. Too much, always. There's no stopping it.
11/14/2021 9:01 PM: Guess this is as good a place as any to admit this. Can't even bring myself to tell my therapist. But the self harm urges have been extremely strong lately. I've been popping open my pocket knife and running the blade along my legs every now and then to kind of... 'go through the motions', so to speak. To get it out of my system. Never enough to break skin or draw blood or anything like that. Been holding my lighter just under my arm for as long as I can stand it and before it actually burns. This one is a little embarrassing: as a combination pain play, self care, and self harm tactic, I've been using those ice packs in excess. I suppose my back can thank me for that though. Embarrassing anecdote aside, I can't admit defeat. I have to seem like I have it all together. If I let myself open up about this, the floodgates will open and I'm not ready for that. I don't have time for it. Nobody has time for it. I wish I was dead. But that's life.
11/16/2021 11:07 PM: Hi again. I still feel like shit. Maybe a little better now I guess. Not 'killing myself today wouldn't be that bad' depressed, but just your average everyday 'everything about me is revolting' depressed. I tried drawing earlier. Was listening to some nostalgic tunes before that. Everything I like and create is tainted by being associated with me. At least it feels that way. The fact that I have friends who claim to care about me is a fluke. Ugh. I hate myself for feeling this way. That wasn't fair to them. I'm sure they do care. I'm being a prick for not appreciating it enough.
I was reflecting earlier on characters that I associate myself with. I'll list them now.
- St. Jimmy
- Johnny Truant
- The Batter
- Jesse Pinkman(?)
- Phantump
- Dwight Fairfield
- Frank Morrison
- Seymour
- Theon Greyjoy
Haha, okay, this one is getting pretty long. I'm stoned. Wanted to self reflect and see if I can talk myself out of hating myself so much. Clearly that isn't working. Maybe we can try some sort of CBT approach. (Not that kind, get your mind out of the gutter.) But I'm having a hard time coming up with specific traits of mine that I hate. It's literally just existing as myself that I hate. I'm too much for myself and I want a break. I miss J.
11/17/2021 1:07 AM: So. I noticed a pattern, or at least something that I think is one. I think my obsession with [REDACTED] might be related to my mood swings lately. Got me googling stuff about infatuation, and I landed on a term that I remember reading about a very long time ago. Limerence. That's it. That's what I experience. The 'pedestaling'. Good to have a word for it. Got me looking at the subreddit for it and reading about disorganized attachment styles in adults. Yeah, gotta say, that's pretty on the nose. I actually felt a little bit of that obsession subside as I was reading through these firsthand accounts of the same thing, and reading analyses on why people become insecurely attached in the first place. Like a little of its power was taken away the moment I gave it a name. No wonder all of my 'crushes' have felt so weird and obsessive. Like a mental illness. A byproduct of my CPTSD. Leaves me wondering what the hell a normal crush is supposed to look like. How do people feel attraction that isn't corrupt like this? Am I capable of it? Having kind of an epiphany moment right now. So much of my self-talk and self-esteem issues right now seem to spike whenever there's a perceived rejection, because I'm seeking out secure attachment when there is none. So much of my life makes sense now. I gotta talk to [REDACTED] about this.
11/19/2021 10:50 PM: Had a good therapy session today. Think I might be getting somewhere. Expressed all of this pent up anxiety and obsession to [REDACTED] though so that's obviously not good. Whatever. It doesn't matter. Can't spend all my time thinking about something unattainable. Now I'm stuck wondering what is attainable. What do I even want out of life at this point? I don't know what attraction is without being unhinged like that. I think maybe this is one of those things I'm just going to have to accept. I don't know if I'll ever be capable of healthy attraction and I think maybe it's best that I don't involve anybody in that mess. I guess that's the same as saying I deserve to be alone forever, and I don't know if I necessarily subscribe to that belief. I wish I could be happy by myself but I hate myself so much that I need something to distract me. Ugh. Back to wishing I was dead, I guess? We're back here again already? Fucking hell.
11/22/2021 6:42 PM: I'm a terrible person. I feel lonely one minute but then feel annoyed the next minute because [REDACTED] started talking too much. I'm a hateful, judgemental person. I don't deserve to be a part of anyone's life. I feel like I ought to be dead. That's depression, I know, but still. Even journaling by itself annoys me to my very core. Why can't I just be normal? I fucking hate everything about myself. Disgusting piece of shit, waste of space, tryhard-but-not-enough. I want to hurt myself very much right now. I want to be dead. I want to stop thinking. Ain't got weed to drown this out now. Just me and myself and all of the terrible things that entails. Somebody else has to see this too. Someone else has to feel this way about me. It makes sense. I'm so overwhelmed right now. So stressed. I need a distraction. Can't believe anybody fucking likes me. I want to throw shit, break things, etc. etc. and it's because I can't hurt myself. Can't allow it. That would be too much. Can't ask for help either. That would be too much. It doesn't feel like anybody understands me the way [REDACTED] does, but he's not super vocal. That's okay, that's his thing. But I can't just keep venting to him. He has to get tired of that. He has to be tired of me. They'll all get tired of me. Fuck. Disclaimer: this is all depressing bullshit that I feel but know not to be true. I know this is just me being mentally unwell. I know I'm just being mean to myself. I know I'm just hyperfixating on [REDACTED] out of some fucked up attachment issue. Doesn't make me feel any better. I'm just tired. I want it to stop. I want this, [gestures vaguely], to stop. I want to be done. I'm never done.
11/28/2021 11:48 PM: Feeling terrible. I want to cut super badly right now. Had some long conversations with [REDACTED] last night which I felt were productive, but I don't know if I'm helping or anything like that. I know he keeps saying he likes me, he's into me, etc. but I still feel like I'm a huge fucking nuisance. Roommate has been depressed lately and it's really setting me off because of trauma shit. Something terrible is going to happen. Young!Alex feels like he's in danger. I'm not in danger. My roommate is just irritable. It's okay. I feel overwhelmed with school work and am terrified for the next couple of weeks. Top surgery is coming up, and I'm terrified of that. I wish I wasn't here. I just want to skip ahead to a year from now. I'm so fucking scared. I want to run away. I want to disappear. [REDACTED] keeps messaging me and I can't fucking stand him. I don't want to talk to him ever again. He doesn't give a shit about me or my wellbeing, he's just lonely and is projecting all of his wants and desires about marriage onto me. Fuck him. Fuck everybody. I don't need anybody but myself. ... On a more positive note, my tarantula molted today. That's cool. Been worried sick about her. ... God, when will the suffering be over.
11/29/2021 5:49 PM: I miss him. I miss him so fucking much. He was there when I needed him, when I was moving out the first time. I hate getting into this cycle. First E, now J. The part of me that should exist. The part of me that is bitter, and angry, and will bite, and claw, and hiss, until I'm safe. E hated me for being weak, and wanted to get rid of me. J, though... I think J actually cared about me. About us, I guess. I don't know where he's at now. Maybe I'm still making shit up. This is all probably really offensive to people who actually have DID/OSDD. But I miss him. I want him back. Or something like him. Maybe my dissociative parts really are just imaginary friends, when I'm lonely. It's so fucking typical that one would crop up now. I need to be someone who can function in this environment. I'm just not. No amount of making shit up is going to fix that. I really am just alone.
11/30/2021 1:02 AM: Whyyy do I have to go and make myself feed bad all the time. I'm such a sack of shit, seriously.
11/30/2021 1:07 AM: Thought I was done. I'm back again. I wish I felt wanted. I still, at best, feel tolerated. I'm sick of myself and wish I was dead and gone. I'm overreacting to something right now, so this is literally all just crazy talk. I'm just throwing a tantrum. Like a fucking child. ... I need to be kind to Young!Alex. He's doing his best. What matters is that I love Young!Alex, and I can protect him. I can make him feel wanted. ... Or at least, I wish I could. Sorry, just recognized that this was an emotional flashback I was having. Got really in the zone. How do I make myself, or at least my innner child, feel wanted? How the hell do I navigate that? Being a human fucking sucks. I'm immature and stupid. I deserve the worst. Not in a 'oh that's hot' way but in a 'shouldn't be alive' kind of way. That's how I feel about myself. How do you build up from there? It'd be easier to put a bullet in my brain than to fix it.
11/30/2021 10:27 PM: I'm not actually sure anyone would miss me if I were gone. I'm just a drain on resources. I'm worth less than nothing. I'm always going to be bad. There's nothing here for me in this world other than strife. Only three weeks left in the semester. I'm gonna spend every moment of that struggling. And then during the break. I'm going to struggle. And then next semester, I'll struggle. Even after I graduate, all that I have to look forward to is some kind of hardship. None of it feels worth it. I want to be done. I don't want to be here anymore. All I do is hurt people and make them feel uncomfortable or I put too much stress on them or I rely on them too much. If they do like me, it's because I'm hiding something. I'm moments away from them figuring out how much they hate me. I'll give them a reason to hate me one day. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I hate this life. I hate it so fucking much. I want to put a bullet between my eyes, or cut my throat, or any number of terrible things. But on top of being terrible in all the aforementioned ways, I'm also a selfish coward. Just going to keep draining people until I'm gone.
11/30/2021 10:49 PM: There are bigger, more important things going on in the world and I'm just sitting here bitching about how sad I am. I'm so fucking pathetic. People will be glad when I'm gone.
11/30/2021 11:27 PM: I can't ask for help. I'm all alone. If I keep begging they'll abandon me. They'll realize that I'll always be this fucked and that there's no use helping me. I vented to them this morning and I could do nothing but shut down any attempt at helping. I refused it. There's no point helping someone like me. I'll always make myself miserable. There's nothing for me.
12/04/2021 9:34 PM: I'm such a fucking idiot. How could I let myself fall behind in classes like this? Why can't I fucking focus? Why does everything have to be such a god damn issue for me?
12/04/2021 10:15 PM: Nothing feels worth it. I can't keep up with even the most basic of tasks. I have top surgery to look forward to, but I have to figure out how to pay for that. God knows that isn't going to be easy. I'm a fucking waste. Piece of shit. Now that I'm bad again they'll realize it too. I can't keep doing this. I want to just abandon everything. Burn all of my belongings and kill myself, that way nobody has to deal with me or my shit. All of this stress this year. For nothing. I want to be done. I want this to be over with.
12/05/2021 11:59 AM: I want desperately for someone to find this sometimes. I'm not fucking okay. I feel like I'm dying. It's so fucking pathetic. I'm useless. I wish someone could take me seriously. I wish I wasn't such a fucking joke to myself and others. I wish living didn't have to hurt like this. I'm going to look back on this episode that's going on in a month or two and I'm going to think about how fucking stupid I sound. Making a big deal out of fucking nothing. I don't deserve pity or empathy or anything resembling kindness. I just take and I take and I take and I take and I take and I give fuck all back. I want to be alone. I want to rot by myself but I'm too fucking weak to make the leap. Could just run away into the woods where no one would be able to find me. Let them all just think that I died or that I gave up on them. I'm not worth the effort. I never have been. I don't know why I've been so fucking stubborn. It's where all roads lead to. It's where I'll end up.
12/05/2021 8:00 PM: Maybe this wave is the one I'd hoped for. The one that makes me go numb after all. The one that will kill the part of me that feels. I wanted to be stone cold, I wanted to be tough, right? Sink or swim, bitch. Let your brain eat itself like this neverending ouroboros forever or cut the head off entirely. You figure it out.
12/06/2021 11:48 PM: I'm jealous. But you already knew that.
12/08/2021 9:40 PM: Disclaimer: I am currently on 20mg of THC. I deserve to pursue the life I want. I deserve to take this chance for myself. Moral standing aside, I deserve these because I am a person. Every person has one life to live. I have spent a very long time living for others when I should have been living for myself. Hating myself as I have been doesn't improve my position in life. Hating myself doesn't appease some higher thing that I am fawning to. It doesn't serve anybody. I hate myself now, I think, to prepare myself for others hating me? Like if I hate myself just enough, it'll hurt more than anything anyone else could throw at me, so when people do hate me I'm unphased. I don't really think that's a helpful strategy though. For one, I'm punishing myself, literally for nothing, for the *chance* that someone might hate me. That isn't to say people can't or don't hate me, but just that I can't see how people feel about me most of the time anyways, so I'm taking a chance on a guess. Hurting myself so that the outside hurt doesn't hurt as bad. But I'm safe now. Everything is okay now. There isn't a lot of outside hurt anymore. I'm just living my life now. I don't have to lash myself like this just to get by. Let's start from a fresh slate. We're a stranger to ourselves now. Every action we take, from now on, we will take and analyze and *really* understand how we feel about it. No more kneejerk hating myself. No more flinching first.
12/24/2021 8:17 PM: I'm drunk. Full disclosure. But I've been thinking this for a long time. I think I'm just doomed to be like this forever. I'm not worth caring for. Fuck. Wish I was fucking dead.
1/28/2022 12:00 AM: [REDACTED] told me about his plan. I'm thankful he trusts me enough to tell me. I wish I could change his mind. I can't imagine a world without him in it. He really does mean the world to me. I'm too weak to be his cure, though, and it feels like I need to start mourning now.
I want to hurt myself again. Nothing feels worth resisting the urge anymore. There's no room for me in my own life. I don't really know what that means but I feel it. Being dead will feel better than this.
2/20/2022 7:25 PM: I don't have anything to live for.
3/12/2022 10:23 PM: Thought I might feel different now. Still nothing. Nothing worth living for. Even if I tried to take [REDACTED]'s approach, to value my pets' lives over my own... There are better tarantula keepers out there. Better homes they could go to. Yesterday I almost relapsed. All over nothing. Just. It's what I fucking deserve. Nothing feels real. I think I'm going to kill myself one of these days. I don't want to feel this alone anymore. I'm so so tired of it. And it's all I have to look forward to.
11/9/2022 9:30 PM: Guess I'll update this again. There's a part of me that feels curious about whether you'll check and another part of me that feels bad for feeling curious about that. Anyways. Today was an important day. Important in the sentimental sense. I've been trying to stay happy and optimistic about it but there's always going to be this part of me that thinks, "Well, this has been great, but how much longer do we have? Will we even be able to celebrate next year?" And other thoughts along that line. I feel bad for feeling those things, because even expressing them feels inherently manipulative... Like I'm begging you to keep me around, just to avoid hurting my feelings. I don't want to do that. I want our friendship to be an open door, free of stress. I try to reassure myself that just like one doesn't get rid of a pet just because it started being less fun, one also usually doesn't just drop a friend for no reason. I'm terrified of giving you a reason -- constantly scrutinizing every word that comes out of my mouth, every inflection. I try to relax. I tell myself, if we part ways, though it is probably more accurate to say when, it'll likely be gradual rather than sudden. I'm not sure which is more merciful. Either way, I know I'd feel like everything was going to be okay if I were in your arms again. I'm scared that'll never happen.
I've been talking a lot more about what I describe as obsessive/compulsive behavior in therapy lately. When I take a step back and read all of that I recognize that it's just an extension of that. Terrified of losing my job, my apartment. Terrified of losing you. Losing our cat (referred to as this both because I feel that it is true, but because calling her by name feels too identifiable). All things that I feel will one day be out of my control. So I do my rituals. I check every door, every corner of my apartment. I wear your hair band. I have to say goodbye to our cat every time I leave the apartment, and tell her that I love her. If she's within reach I have to pet her before I leave. I've started touching the collar on the way out the door too. Every night I have to say goodnight to you, and the way I say it has to meet certain criteria or I can't rest. All of these things, to some degree, will make my thoughts start racing if I don't follow through. No amount of worrying will grant me the control that would ease my mind, to convince myself that the good in my life isn't fleeting. The rituals help grant some warped peace of mind but it doesn't get to the root of the issue. I'm not really sure what will.
If you do read this, I apologize for being so dramatic. I worry constantly. Writing it out in a way that feels... I don't know, like a written piece? Like prose? Makes me feel a little bit better sometimes. I appreciate you.
2022年11月12日午後8時21分： この記入を日本語で書くことにした。日本語を長い間勉強しているのに、一文を書くことをかかる時間がまだ長すぎると思う。日本に旅行したら、日本人との対談は絶対に可能がないと思う。今、グーグルに相談しているので、この記入を書くことができる。日本語で書くと、気持ちを表すことが難しくなるから、書くことの質は悪くなる。でも、まだ日本に旅行したいと思う。このような記入を書いて続けると、気持ちがよくなるかもしれない。
2/24/2023 11:14 PM: Lame. Anyways. I'm drunk and I feel like shit. General drunk sadness. I feel really touch starved and lonely. The political and economic climate is making me wanna kms. [REDACTED] started tagging things in a certain way and my anxious-attachment-style ass has me thinking that it means I'm unimportant or stupid, because I assume the tag is for someone other than me. Been making a lot of progress in therapy though. About anxiety, I mean. I think (hope) I'm finally reaching a turning point. ... I forgot, I'm drunk *and* stoned at the moment. That probably doesn't leave a very good impression for future viewers (me), but whatever. I don't feel as depressed anymore but I also don't care as much. Without those two things, you'd think I'd feel happy, but I feel like I'm without anything right now. I want to feel something. I don't want to be stagnant. Since the last time I updated this journal, I started using mushrooms more. It's been a pretty good time, really enlightening, really helpful. It has definitely steered me straight as far as my mental health goes so far. Low-key wish I had taken mushrooms instead of the wine/weed wombo combo. Now I'm just dissatisfied instead of curious.
2/25/2023 11:45 PM: Sober. Feel like shit. I feel so lonely. I really want to hurt myself right now. How did I get to be so full of shame? Can't even get myself to play chess against real people because I feel like by playing chess with me, they'll have a bad time, or I'll embarrass myself. The apartment is in disarray because I've become complacent and lazy. And depressed. Yeah, depressed. I need to clean but I don't feel like it's worth putting effort in when I'm just going to be miserable and alone anyways. I think [REDACTED] and friends have stopped inviting me to hang out with them to give me space, but it just feels like another space I'm pushing myself out of by being weird and off-putting (derogatory). I want to not need anyone. I want to be emotionally self-sufficient. I want to disappear and never speak to anyone again. But I'm so, so needy. Disgusting.
2/27/2023 8:06 PM: I am so... replaceable. There is nothing special or important about me. There is no reason anyone should keep me around. I'm for sure jumping to conclusions with [REDACTED], but for the others... They're all hopping into voice calls in the server without any evidence of communication. I know enough about the way they operate to know that that's because they have a private group chat that excludes me specifically. I gave myself too much space and now they want nothing to do with me. Same thing with IRL friends. I am so profoundly alone. The only thing I had going for me with [REDACTED] was that we related to each other, that we were so much alike. Maybe that wasn't true, maybe we were both seeking connection when we had none. The story that I'm telling myself is that he's realized this too, that there was nothing there at all and there's no need to keep maintaining this friendship. I think part of this spiral that I'm going through with him in particular is that I've got this amatonormative mindset that I can't seem to shake that says that non-romantic relationships are inherently less important, easily replaced. I'm not important to anyone. I shouldn't be important to anyone. Anyone who has interacted with me for long enough will realize there's nothing there for them. I wish I didn't need. I wish I could stop feeling so alone. I wish I felt important.