Making this because I've got a lot of feelings to get out of my system. Talked about maybe trying to write poetry. I guess this feels good enough for right now. Looked through your old website for inspiration, but I can't say I'm feeling particularly motivated right now. I want to lay down but I feel somehow unresolved.
I don't think I'm ever going to get better. I know I'm just really depressed right now. Really lonely right now. All this shit with family is gonna haunt me for the rest of my fucking life. There's no escaping it. Even if I literally escape, the guilt will haunt me forever too. I feel shame and guilt in every single fiber of my being and I don't think there's really anything underneath that, at least nothing that's worth salvaging. I don't know.
I keep thinking about killing myself. I won't. Probably. No, actually, I don't know if I could even go through with it. But also, I know this will pass. It has to. It always does. I'm just tired of picking myself back up, y'know? It's always the same old bullshit. I think I fix one thing, something else pops up. There are good things in this world, things worth living for, but the bad things are so, SO loud. They hurt every day and only you and my therapist know about it. I don't want to keep doing this. I don't want to pretend anymore. I just want to be okay.